The Ottawa River has some lovely large rapids, including McCoy’s Phil’s Hole, which at some water levels can be as deep as eight feet, which it was the first time I tried kayaking past it.  Previously, I had always used my Chestnut canoe, in which the move was a simple side-slip left in a back-ferry underneath Sattler’s Hole across the top of Phil’s Hole.  So I tried the same move in a kayak.  Big mistake.

That’s when I learned that kayaks don’t back ferry worth a bean when compared to canoes.  The silly boat didn’t make it far enough across, so I had the distinctly unpleasant experience of almost making it through, only to fall back down into Phil’s. 

First step: see if I can side-surf a kayak.  Yup.  Side surfs nicely.  Lots of people swim Phil’s, so having stabilized on a side surf, I figure that I’ll find a way out, even if it means a swim.

Second step: Try running from one end of the forty or so foot wide hole to another, hoping to catch a corner.  Almost make it, but just when I am within a few feet of the top, I am always  pulled back in. Close only counts in horseshoes.

Third step: Try rolling while extending my paddle for bottom water.  WhizzFlappityFlappityFlappityFlappityFlappity – you’ve never seen a window blind roll up so quickly.  It’s dizzying.

Fourth step: Try endering out.  After the windowshading, I’m leery of this approach, but I’m running out of options.  Of course it does not work, and just to add insult to injury, it rips my helmet off.

Then I heard a blast on a whistle, and things got a little weird. 

The raft guides thought I was deliberately playing in Phil’s, and were getting impatient at my holding up their runs, for I had been down in it for over five minutes.  So their coordinator started running them through after warning me with the whistle.  I backed up to one end of the hole, and watched the show.  My word, the carnage was impressive.  Some of the rafts made it through, but a couple were flipped back into the hole, sending their occupants spewing in all directions into the hole.  Made me wonder why people paid hard earned cash to the rafting companies.

Eventually all the rafts passed through, so I went back to trying to find a way out.  I was having some initial success at side-surfing the right of centre section with the deep water tongue, reducing my lean to increase my lift, and it almost worked, until the darn hole sucked my boat off of me.  That was the last thing I had expected.

So there I was, with my boat cartwheeling in front of me, while I briefly bodysurfed with my paddle as if I were in a boat.  Then the bad thing happened.  The very bad thing happened.

Phil’s yanked my paddle out of my hand, which blew my bodysurf.  I became yet another gorbie sacrificed to the River Gods.  Phil’s then proceeded to unzip my PFD, unclip my PFD belt, remove my PFD, remove my paddling jacket, remove my paddling booties, and remove my shorts.  We’re talking fully outfitted to buck nekkid in five seconds as I was rolled about and then swept out the bottom of the hole.

Now I wasn’t too worried about the public nudity, for at least Phil’s had finally flushed me out, and there were only a few dozen people gawking.  At least that’s what I thought.

I learned differently that evening, when our crew went for dinner at a rafting company’s restaurant, where to entertain their patrons they had televisions, including big screen televisions, showing that day’s adventures along with commentary to hundreds of people.  And there I was, on screen in full pink paddling pornography as Phil’s had its way with me.  After a while my stark horror gradually reduced to whimpering humiliation.

And my friends purchased copies of the video just for the posterity of my posterior.

Since that memorable day, I have always pivoted at the corner of Sattler’s and front surfed to the left along the wave across the top of Phil’s.  Never had a problem with Phil’s since.  But will my friends let me live down my failed back ferry?  Will they forgive my first effort at ferrying a kayak?  Will they stop showing that darn video?  Not a chance.  I guess that’s what friends are for.